Come Alive
by iamsteverogers
Summary: Bucky is a military veteran with some serious PTSD, besides from being in the army he also did other things that haunt him and further increase his depression. His life changes when he meets someone that could help him. This is a story of a man whose internal conflict is himself, his past haunts him every day and everyday he fights himself to stay alive. AU Full summary inside.
1. Innocent

**Hi everyone!** I ended up writing these scenes or one shots for my creative writing class. They were inspired by precious Bucky Barnes (I didn't use that name for my class, I changed the name lol) and I decided to give it a try and upload them here because why not? They're already written so..Anyway! This story is written in one-shots, I tried to make them as long as I could but trimesters, man. I will post the ones I wrote for my class and depends on the feedback I'll decide if I want to continue or not, so you guys let me know! Thank you for reading!

 **Summary:**

 _Bucky is a military veteran with some serious PTSD, besides from being in the army he also did other gruesome things that haunt him and further increase his depression. He lives in fear and darkness, hides from the world, and he's constantly moving places so that way he gets no attachments or anything that could bring more damage to his mental health. His life changes when he meets someone that could help him, but will he let himself receive that help? This is a story of a man whose internal conflict is himself, his past haunts him every day and everyday he fights himself to stay alive. (It's an AU/modern world sort of thing)_

…..

There it was again. The feeling, that feeling he tried to shake off his chest. You should be happy, a part of him said. You did it, soldier, you've completed your mission. A few months ago he would've smiled and taken that complement to mind. It would stay there to remind him of his accomplishment, a motivation for the future you could say. Now it stays there to haunt him, to remind him that yes he achieved it, he completed his mission but at what cost? It reminds him of the person he had become.

He hated that person. He hated how long it took him to notice and he specially hated that it was her who had noticed first. They didn't even like each other, they were just coworkers, and they were the only ones who got the job done. ''What have we done?'' she had whispered before running off. It didn't register at first, it was just another job but then he did something he never did before. He looked, he looked at his surroundings, at the damage they had done. He couldn't figure out what made it so different but his eyes took in every single detail. The dead bodies scattered, the blood on the walls, on the floor, on him. Then he saw it, a pair of eyes that belonged to a little girl, widely opened in fear as she hid from him. He swallowed and he took a step towards her-

''Breath in and out, in and out. That's right, deep breaths'' He tried to follow what the voice told him. ''You can open your eyes, Bucky. It's not real, it was just a dream''. But it wasn't. Bucky tried to desperately open his eyes, to never relive that moment again but he couldn't find a way out. It was like a hole that was dragging him down, swallowing up his whole body and he was fighting it. Fingernails that clung to the floor, reaching something to hold on to. He screamed. His heart beat pounded, he felt it was going to get out of his chest. The tears started to fill behind his closed eyelids. He's no longer in his bedroom, hears the screams, his screams, the gunshots. He sees blood, bodies, the little, girl. ''How could you?'' ''You're a monster'' ''You don't deserve to live'' the little voice said in his mind. That little voice slowly winning and taking over his whole thoughts. Whole body trembling, shaking, quick breaths.

'' Te rog''

 _*Translation: Please_


	2. Pray For Me

Hi again! For this one shot, I really wanted to see and portrayed how he saw the world, the politics, etc. He's always in this internal conflict, thinking the world is after him for what he's done, but are they really? or is it just in his head?. I can go into further details in future one shots if you'd like me too! Thank you for reading!

...

Jab. Breathe. Jab. Breathe. Cross. Breathe. Upper cut. Breathe. Roll. Breathe. Repeat. Jab. This is insane. Breathe. How did it all came down to this? Jab. Oh right, he definitely did not sign up for this, for any of it. They told Bucky it was for the greater good, ''your country needs you'' they told him. Breathe. He wasn't the smartest guy in the world, not the dumbest either. Bucky didn't really have any plans for the future, didn't really have a passion for anything. There was nothing out there that screamed ''this is it!'' to him. Couldn't see himself doing anything at all. Jab.

This is the best he could do at the moment. Every day he would walk to the beat-down gym at the end of the street he currently resided at and spent a good two to three hours there. Breathe. In a way, it calmed him. He took every bad memory, there were many, he remembered and with very punch and kick, released all the emotions. Anger, it was mostly anger and guilt. Cross.

Bucky hid there while the rest of the world looked for him, tried to hunt him down. It was crazy how one minute, he was out there risking life for his country, the country that needed him and now they wanted him dead. It was to put it simply, chaos. Breathe. Men in suits and ties hid behind tall buildings with maximum security; the others, the ones like him hid in places like this; and the people, they plead for justice, filled the streets with posters, art, and music, they prayed for safety.

He wanted to be out there with them, he wanted to help them but how could he when he was part of the problem? How could he plead for justice? Pray for safety? He couldn't, it just was too late.


	3. Whats left to say

Hello! Here my OC makes her small introduction to the story. I dont really go into detail of her description because I want you guys to imagine her as you'd like but if you want me to add some, let me know! There's no backstory here of how they met or anything but stay tuned for more details of their relationship in future one shots. Thanks for reading!

...

He could feel the quick beats of his heart. They sounded loud on his ears, choked on his throat. Bucky swallowed. Meanwhile, Belle only started at him, tears of anger rolled down her cheeks. Angry at him, at his unconcern and disregard of himself. But also sad, certainly not pity, just sad that he couldn't see the positive things, the good in him. But mostly, tears of heartbreak. It's been years since Belle had ever felt something so close to this, so close to love and nevertheless, love someone else. Now that she does, Bucky denied it, denied them the opportunity to share that love.

He wanted out, to run away again so that he couldn't see the tears and emotions in her eyes. He knew that this image of her, this one specifically wouldn't leave him, would taunt him and he hated himself for it. Bucky also hated how he also did not want to run away. To instead reach her, hold her and let himself feel. Hated himself for not being good enough, for ever saying yes to the country, giving it all and receiving as an alternative, nightmares and other not so pretty things. If he hadn't, maybe they would've met differently. Maybe they would've already gotten married and settle down. He would of spend the rest of his days wishing for more time with her because forever wasn't enough.

Standing in the middle of her living room, where he found himself a lot of the time, where he only felt safe. He hated that too. Bucky could only hold her stare for so long. The silence, he knew because of his past, was dangerous and when in most days it was all he wished for, he wanted it gone now. How Bucky so desperately wanted her to say something, anything. But Belle had said enough, now it was his turn.


	4. Enigma

I'm sorry this one is like, extra short! Do remember these are one-shots, wasn't really trying to make them long? Idk what I was trying to do really, just to pass the damn class. As usual, stay tuned for more if you'd like to know more about these two!

...

It was official, he was doing this. His mind screamed at him, urging him to get up from the uncomfortable black chair and flee the room. His heart told him to stay. He had to do this. It was the first step to go back to how things were before. The first step to get his life back. Bucky was tired of hiding and running away. He had to stop waiting for something good to happen, for the world to decide it was safe outside; no, he needs to go out and get it.

It was one of the things she repeatedly told him. ´´You have to at least try´´, Belle said. Here he was, wearing a navy button-up shirt Belle had bought for him along with some black trousers. ''You're not wearing a t-shirt and jeans, Bucky. It's a job interview''. Now, these were the nicest clothes he owned. He figured that if he ends up getting the job, he would buy more so that maybe he could wear them on their dates. He owed her at least that.

Also, doing this interview would be the most contact he's had with someone else that was not Belle and the occasional neighbor that waved at him in the halls, and the cashiers at the grocery store. He really was doing this. ''Your savings are not going to last forever'' but he wasn't thinking about that. He was thinking of actually having to do something with his life again, to be productive and move on.

They still haven't called him, maybe he could still leave. He would tell Belle that they just weren't interested anymore. She would urge him to try somewhere, he knew. Then he would do it all over again. Think Bucky, was this really worth it?


	5. Stay

This one is a lil bit longer. Guys, I'm not a writer, this class was an elective, THERE'S SO MUCH I CAN WRITE. Huge admiration for all the true writers out there. I know these one shots are a little ''wait what?'' not a lot of background information or details but like I said, I'm willing to go into full details if you'd like. This is just for fun, to pass time in this hot ass weather. Thank you for reading! Bucky loves you.

...

The clock stared back at him. It seemed to be mocking him as well, it kept ticking closer and closer to what he didn't want. It was a simple plan. He was meant to pack his shit and leave before Belle gets home. Bucky would not, or really, he didn't have the heart to stand there and watch her face after telling her the news. Not once in his miserable life had he had what she gave him. And that's why he needed to leave.

He fled the interview a minute before his named had been called. The nagging thoughts in his head kept coming back, each one of them making his head spin and heart beat faster. Bucky couldn't stand there and tell her that ''No, I didn't go'' or better yet ''I did go but I didn't stay, couldn't stay'', not after everything she had done for him. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have gotten that opportunity in the first place, or having something to look forward to every day, a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to push back his nightmares and let himself ...live.

It sounds like a lot. It sounds like too much pressure on one person, or something impossible for just one person to do, to have that effect on someone. But she did it. When you lived the life that he had, finding light at the end of tunnel was merely impossible to achieve. He was extremely lucky he found her, or rather, she found him and he was perplexed at this, usually luck wasn't on his side. He promised her he would try, Bucky wanted nothing more but to try for her. ''Don't do it for me, Bucky. Do it for yourself, you're more than just your nightmares'', she told him that but he refused to accept it. He was not worth anything, wasn't worthy of her.

He'd done it before, running away was like second nature to him. But now it was different because of her. Before, he had no attachments whatsoever, now he was in deep shit. They say that the strongest men have the most fragile hearts. Okay, that's not true, no one says that but that's how he felt. Bucky felt like he could conquer the fucking world on the outside, he was strong enough for it, or he thought, but inside he was a mess. A mess that fell deeply in love for the first time in forever. A man like him doesn't deserve love, his mind screamed at him. That's why, following what his mind was telling him, he sighed and looked away from the clock. It was time, he still got time before she got home. Bucky picked up his bag and with a heavy heart, walked out the door.


End file.
